Valiant

Guest(s): Seb

The episode begins with a knight-

Seb: He was in Broadchurch!

-purchasing a shield.

"With your sword-craft, and this shield, I guarantee you will win," the trader says.

"Show me how it works."

The trader demonstrates, and real snakes come out of the shield! He explains that the snakes will paralyse anyone they bite. "The snakes are now under your command," he says, giving the shield to the knight. "They will do anything you tell them to do."

Me: This is predictable.

"Just say the word."

Me: 'Kill him.'

"Kill him."

The knight rides into Camelot and signs up for the tournament. And then we're into the opening titles.

Me: So many names! It's confusing.

We cut to further inside Camelot, where Arthur is continuously whacking Merlin with a sword.

Seb: They're training.

And we're given the name of the story - 'Valiant'.

Me: Cryptic. I think.

Back in Gaius' room, Merlin can't be bothered picking up a book so he makes it fly to him.

Me: In case you missed it last week, Merlin can do magic!

After some scary foreshadowing, Merlin goes to get some armour help from Gwen.

Seb: She's the blacksmith's daughter.

And then Merlin heads off to help Arthur with his armour, which is put on over his red tunic.

Me: So he's Gryffindor and the other guy's Slytherin.

Arthur nervously says that he's not nervous.

Me: He's nervous.

Merlin puts a red cape over Arthur's armour.

Me: Superman!

And the knights gather in the arena. The knight with the Slytherin shield is wearing a yellow cape.

Me: Or is he Hufflepuff..?

Uther gives a short speech, and it turns out his son Arthur happens to be the reigning champion.

Me: Seems legit.

It turns out a large box full of gold coins is at stake. The first battle begins, and Arthur's in it...

Seb: This episode was probably really short before they put all the sword-fighting scenes in it.

A few battles later, Arthur is still undefeated. But so is Valiant.

Me: Oh, is Valiant his name?

Seb: Yeah.

Merlin has a lot of duties to do, but he uses his magic to make them do themselves.

But then Gaius walks in and loudly asks Merlin if he's using magic again.

Me: You don't have to shout it in to the corridor. Someone could hear.

Gwen and Morgana have a conversation about how annoying Arthur is.

Seb: In the original story, Arthur marries Gwen.

Me: Really?

Seb: Yeah, she becomes all princess-y.

Valiant has been dumb enough to leave his shield in a storeroom. Merlin's collecting Arthur's stuff when one of the snakes on the shield inexplicably comes alive. Valiant arrives and Merlin leaves to go and put Arthur in his armour.

Seb: He can't even dress himself.

Arthur is on his way to the arena.

Me: His armour isn't on right.

Colin Morgan- I mean, Merlin admits he's enjoying himself.

Me: The BBC must be paying him a lot.

Valiant's opponents' helmet rolls off, and Valiant sees his chance to make use of his snakes.

Seb: And the crowd doesn't notice?

Gaius and Merlin are examining Valiant's victim when they see a snake bite on his neck. Merlin makes the connection.

Merlin finds Valiant feeding his snakes, but Valiant hears him! 

Me: The snakes look so fake.

The chase is on! Oh, no chase then? Okay.

Merlin gets back to Gaius and tells him he's off to warn Arthur about Valiant. But Gaius reminds him that Uther will never believe a servant over a knight. Merlin needs proof, so he goes to see the snakes.

He gets into the room, but there's someone outside! How does he get out without being seen?

Me: Can't he do that teleport-y thing that woman did in episode one?

And now there's a snake behind him! He chops its head off and runs back to Gaius. 

While Gaius prepares an antidote, Merlin tries to convince Arthur that Valiant is cheating.

"Have you ever seen a snake like this in Camelot?"

Me: No, the BBC Props Department doesn't visit often.

Arthur and Merlin fail to convince Uther that Valiant is cheating, and Arthur sacks Merlin.

"Get out of my sight!" 

Me: He wasn't in your sight! Unless you have very good peripheral vision.

The violins play as Merlin stands defeated in the yard.

Me: Oh, the drama.

And Merlin goes to visit the dragon. He tries to speak to him, but the dragon is nowhere to be seen.

Me: Maybe John Hurt's on holiday.

But the dragon arrives to deliver some really useless riddles. So Merlin goes to talk to Gwen.

And we all know it's going to be-

Seb: Another really awkward conversation.

And Merlin thinks the answer to solving the problem lies in a statue of a dog. Gaius wants to know what he wants with it.

Me: He's putting it in his front yard, silly. He has a taste for garden gnomes. 

Merlin tries all night to make the dog statue turn into a real dog, but it's not working... Until, for some unknown reason, it does!

But Arthur is already preparing for battle. Morgana helps him put his armour on.

Me: It still doesn't look right.

Seb: What do you mean?

Me: There's a bit missing on his shoulder.

Seb: But he wouldn't be able to move his arm!

Me: Then why's he got it on that shoulder?

Seb: On the left side? To cover his heart.

Me: Oh.

It's actually on Arthur's right, so it's not covering his heart. There.

Me: So where do you get battle accessories for Time Lords?

Arthur walks out to face his death...

Me: This is stupid! Why is he fighting him?

Seb: He could win.

Me: Exactly! That's what I said before! But they don't seem to think he can, and he still wants to fight him. Stupid!

Seb: He thinks he can win.

Me: No he doesn't! He thinks he's going to die! He's suicidal!

Merlin rushes down to the arena to use his spell on Valiant's shield. 

Seb: What happens if he scratches all the paint off his shield?

The battle continues...

Me: Wouldn't it be really suspicious if two people had snake bites after fighting Valiant? 

Merlin casts his spell (it works straight away, unlike with the dog), and the snakes come out of Valiant's shield at the exact moment Valiant doesn't want them to. Morgana passes Arthur a sword, and he kills the snakes and Valiant. The crowd cheer.

Me: No one cares about the dead guy.

Seb: He would've been beheaded anyway.

Me: Good point.

But Arthur's too proud to admit he was saved by a girl.

Me: Sexist Arthur.

And after Arthur rehires Merlin-

Me: The BBC extended his contract. Fair enough, that was a good episode.

-we're shown the 'Next Time' trailer.

Me: That looks good.

Seb: It is. The fourth one's really bad. It's Merlin-lite.

Me: Wow, really? How does that work?

And that's the end.

I really liked the start of that episode, but the remaining 40 minutes were pretty average. The sets were good and the costumes were fantastic, but there were a few little plot problems that I can probably just blame the writer for. Apart from that, I enjoyed it. Colin Morgan and Angel Coulby were good, and Bradley James and Katie McGrath were excellent, but I'm still not convinced by John Hurt. That dragon's just weird. I think I'll give it... 6/10.

Join us next time for 'Mark of Nimueh'