The Gates of Avalon

Guest(s): None.

This episode begins with Arthur drowning.

Me: The music tells me that this is a dream. Although, the music on this show doesn't always match the scene, unfortunately.

But the music is right on target today, as Morgana wakes up from her terrible knightmare. 

Me: Get it? Knightmare. Because Arthur's a knight. Oh, never mind.

And then-

Me: The opening titles? What?

Meanwhile, in the forest...

Me: Arthur's hunting...

Until Merlin bumps into him, and Arthur calls him a 'buffoon'.

Me: Uther the Psychopath, Morgana the Manipulative, Lancelot the Unofficial and... Merlin the Buffoon.

A young woman and her father are being attacked by-

Me: Bandits, I think.

-so Arthur steps in and does some awesome sword-fighting.

Me: I am getting a little bit tired of the sword-fighting.

Merlin is awkwardly standing on the side, watching Arthur fight.

Me: Do something, Merlin!

He uses his magic to make a tree branch fall on one of the bandits.

Me: And Arthur doesn't think that was just a teensy bit convenient? That a branch just happened to fall at that exact time in that exact place?

But Arthur is too busy duelling another bandit.

Me: There's another one standing around over there! Why doesn't he come over and stab Arthur in the back? He can't fight two at once!

Arthur kills the one he was duelling and scares off the other.

Me: They were terrible bandits. I'm surprised they became bandits in the first place when they could've been perfectly good slaves.

The young woman introduces herself as Sophia, and Arthur escorts her and her father back to Camelot.

Me: I think Arthur likes Sophia. Sothur? Arthia? No, they both sound rubbish. This relationship isn't meant to be.

Uther decides to let Sophia and her father Aulfric stay in the castle.

Me: Why?

They are of noble blood.

Me: Oh. What's that stick thing? Is it a staff? It looks magic.

Arthur decides that Sophia can stay in the room next to his.

Me: Uh...

But his intentions are completely honourable.

Me: Oh, that's good. No hanky panky in Camelot.

Morgana sees Sophia and recognises her as the woman from her dream. The one where Arthur was drowning.

Me: Oh yeah. I'd forgotten about that.

Morgana goes to see Gaius.

Me: This must be the first scene with just Morgana and Gaius. They've been in the same scene before, but this must be the first time they've been alone together.

Gaius' bench is on fire.

Me: His bench is on fire!

His bench is on fire!

Me: Did Morgana do that? Or did his bench just happen to catch fire?

Morgana explains her dream to Gaius, but Gaius is sure there's nothing wrong.

Me: So... What happens in the next 35 minutes?

The bandit that ran away is sitting at a campfire. 

Me: He needs a marshmallow.

And right on cue, Aulfric turns up.

Me: Ha! He looks like a marshmallow!

The bandit wants more money.

Me: What? Oh! Aulfric paid the 'bandits' to pretend to attack him so he'd be taken to Camelot by Arthur!

Aulfric uses his staff thing to kill the bandit.

Me: Sorcery!

Arthur's meant to be doing patrol, but he asks Merlin to cover for him so he can go for a romantic ride with Sophia.

Me: You're not on patrol all day, are you? Couldn't you go on patrol first and take Sophia out later?

Apparently not.

Me: Poor Merlin. He's gonna end up in the stocks.

Morgana can't tell Uther about her dream, so it seems she's going to have to save Arthur herself.

Me: You mean there's no-one she can manipulate into doing it for her? Wow, she must really be out of options.

And she is. 

Me: Will Merlin actually do anything in this episode? Eh, whatever. I like Morgana.

But Merlin isn't far away...

Me: I knew he'd be put in the stocks.

And the people of the village throw their unwanted tomatoes at him.

Me: They're adults! I thought only the kids could throw stuff! Hang on... When were tomatoes introduced to Britain? 

Sophia is casting a spell on Arthur. Literally.

And back in Camelot, Gaius is examining the sci-fi staff in Sophia's room.

Me: It's got writing on it too! Nothing screams 'magic' more than ancient writing.

Aulfric appears behind Gaius.

Me: He can get places fast. 

Sophia and Arthur are back in Camelot, and Arthur asks Sophia if she'll be alright.

Me: What? I don't think she needs help walking up some stairs. Although, her cape thing is very long. I'm surprised she doesn't trip over it.

Morgana confronts Sophia on the staircase.

Me: This isn't going to go well.

Morgana vows that if anything happens to Arthur, she'll find Sophia. However long it takes.

Me: But what if someone else kills Arthur? Will you still blame Sophia then?

The next day, Merlin ends up in the stocks again.

Me: I don't think Arthur quite understands the meaning of the word 'friend'.

Gaius reveals to Merlin that Morgana can see the future.

Me: Don't tell Uther!

Sophia wants to marry Arthur.

Me: What? Just kill him already!

Aulfric sneaks out of Camelot late that night, and Merlin follows him to the lake.

Me: What is he doing?

Shouting at water, it seems. Until...

Me: Tinkerbell! He's talking to lots of underwater tinkerbells!

There's a whole world of fairies in blue dresses under the sea.

Me: How pathetic.

Aulfric used to live there.

Me: That marshmallow was a tinkerbell? I find that hard to believe.

The underwater world thing is called Avalon.

Me: Does Jetstar fly there?

Aulfric wants his daughter to be allowed back into Avalon, but it can only happen if he brings the soul of a mortal prince.

Me: How convenient. Why do they need a prince, anyway? What significance does the title hold to blue fairies who wear dresses and rags? How is Arthur's soul different to anyone else's? And didn't Aulfric already know that he needed to bring Arthur? What information has he gained?

This information is obviously nothing new to Aulfric, but it is for Merlin, who runs back to tell Gaius.

Me: Gaius will know what to do!

Gaius is now certain that they're dealing with a She.

Me: What? Aulfric's a woman?

No, a Sidhe.

Me: What's that?

A fairy.

Me: We already knew that! Bloody hell.

Arthur tells Uther that he wants to marry Sophia.

Me: Uther's going to laugh.

Uther laughs.

Me: Wow, I can see the future too!

Uther won't allow Arthur to marry Sophia.

Me: Sophia's very quiet. And so is Aulfric. He doesn't seem to be surprised by this at all. How suspicious is that?

As they leave, Morgana almost tells Uther about her dream.

Me: That was suspenseful. Actually, that's the best scene so far. Not just in this episode, but in the whole series.

Sophia and Aulfric knock Merlin out and take Arthur to the lake. Morgana sees them from her window.

Me: It's all up to Morgana! This is new.

But instead of doing anything herself, Morgana goes to Gaius for help.

Me: What's Gaius going to do?

Instead of doing anything himself, Gaius goes to Merlin for help.

Me: They're playing medieval pass the parcel!

Gaius wakes Merlin up. It's incredible that he wasn't killed by Aulfric's magical staff.

Me: Convenient. Woah, hold on... It's day! Has Gaius been looking for Merlin all night? It's way too late now - Arthur will be dead already!

Sophia and Aulfric are preparing to drown Arthur.

Me: Well, if it took them that long to get to the lake, then Merlin won't get there until-

But Merlin's not far away.

Me: But... Oh, forget it.

Aulfric hadn't told Sophia that he wouldn't be going to Avalon with her. Apparently, it's his destiny to live a mortal life.

Me: He's stuck looking like a marshmallow for the rest of his life! Poor thing. I feel sorry for him now.

Merlin arrives and uses the sci-fi staff to kill Aulfric.

Me: Woah.

And then he uses it to kill Sophia.

Me: How many people do you have to kill to be a mass murderer?

But Arthur is still underwater...

Me: Why haven't the tinkerbells taken him? 

Merlin saves him!

Me: Oh, please. He's dead.

But he isn't. Merlin and Gaius tell him an alternative story that doesn't involve magic at all.

Me: That actually made sense. It doesn't explain what happened to Aulfric and Sophia though.

And then they tell Uther a completely different story. One that puts Merlin in the stocks.

Me: Third time this episode. I think that's a record.

Uther jokes that there could be a food shortage if Merlin keeps ending up in the stocks, but-

Me: You said they threw rotten fruit. And what's wrong with a rotten fruit shortage?

It looks like the episode will have a happy ending... Until, that night-

Me: Morgana's going to have another dream!

And right on cue, Morgana wakes up from another nightmare.

Me: Closing titles!

I think it's fair to say that that was the worst episode so far, which means I can't go higher than 3/10. 

There were some very funny scenes, so I'll give it points for that. And there was that particularly suspenseful scene with Uther and Morgana, so points for that too...

But the plot was terrible and the tinkerbells were stupid. 3/10.

Join me next time for 'The Beginning of the End'

A Remedy To Cure All Ills

Guest(s): None.

This episode of Merlin-

Me: Is it called 'The Adventures of Merlin'? I didn't notice that before. I thought it was just 'Merlin'.

This episode of The Adventures of-

Me: Don't call it that! It sounds stupid.

The episode begins with a man putting a bug in a flower. And then the flower ends up in Morgana's room.

Me: What?

The man with the bugs is standing outside the castle.

Me: What happened to his face?

The man with the severely damaged face is standing outside the castle.

Me: He looks evil.

Morgana goes to sleep, and the bug crawls out of the flower. 

Sinister music plays as the bug crawls across a blanket.

Me: This really isn't dramatic. The music doesn't suit and it almost feels like they're making fun of themselves. Even David Attenborough wouldn't stoop this low. And did I mention how fake the bug looks?

The bug is on her face now...

Me: Can't she feel it? Why doesn't she wake up?

And then we have the opening titles.

Me: It is called 'The Adventures of Merlin'! How stupid is that?

Gaius is inspecting Morgana.

Me: How far did it just skip ahead? A few hours? Have they just noticed something's wrong, or have they been with her for a while? Anyway, it's a good place to start.

Gaius says that Morgana may have inflammation of the brain.

Me: Nasty.

And we're given the episode title.

Me: 'A Remedy To Cure All Long Titles'? And which episodes did Julian Jones write?

Wikipedia: 'The Dragon's Call' and 'Mark of Nimueh'.

Me: They were good. I'm looking forward to this.

Merlin quietly offers to use his magic to cure Morgana, but Gaius forbids it.

Me: You'll let Morgana die, knowing you could've done something? Wow. But otherwise it would be 'Mark of Nimueh' all over again, so fair enough.

Gaius agrees.

Me: Look, it's-

-the man with the severely damaged face. He says he can help cure Morgana's illness.

Me: How convenient.

And that's just what Arthur thinks.

Me: He's going to end up 'curing' Morgana anyway. Do you think Julian Jones would discard a seemingly important character, Arthur? Because that would be stupid, and nothing like what he's done with Nimueh.

Remember Nimueh?

You: Uh...

Me: Point made.

Arthur tells Merlin to stop pacing. It's making him nervous.

Me (in American accent): "You're wearin' a groove in the floor, Fred!"

Gaius says he can't keep Morgana alive much longer, so Arthur suggests going to the man with the severely damaged face for help.

Me: No, don't go to the inn! It's a trap!

But when Uther walks to his throne in the next scene, the man with the severely damaged-

Me: I think his name is Edwin.

Edwin is already there.

Me: They skipped another few hours, did they?

Gaius' eternally raised eyebrow rises even higher when he hears of Edwin's 'Remedy to Cure All Ills'.

Me: And if he can cure everything, why can't he cure his face?

Edwin suggests that Gaius' diagnosis might be wrong.

Me: Gaius' eyebrows!

Merlin shares Edwin's interest in science. As Merlin says, science is knowledge.

Me: But not all knowledge is science.

Edwin wants everyone to leave the room.

Me: Uther won't-

Uther obeys.

Me: What? You're going to leave an unconscious Morgana with some dodgy stranger you just met?

But Gwen walks in mid-examination. Edwin sends her to get some water while he does some magic...

Me: Gaius did exactly the same thing a few episodes ago.

Edwin does some magic, and emerges from the room with some good news for Uther. It wasn't an inflammation of the brain. 

Me: They're going to sack Gaius.

And Morgana's cured, thanks to Edwin. He's becoming rather popular.

Gaius seems to think that he's met Edwin before.

Me: Probably. This plot is so predictable that they probably added that in to make it more interesting.

Gaius goes to see Strict Librarian.

Me: From last episode! I don't think he actually had any lines.

Gaius wants to see some records or something, but Strict Librarian - who seems to be a close friend of Gaius - won't help.

Me: Just give him the bloody records!

Merlin plays with Edwin's gold alchemy things.

Me: I know they look nice, but do they actually do anything? Anything practical?

Merlin uses magic to make the bugs come to life.

Me: Why?

And Edwin catches him. It turns out Edwin is trying to use his magic for good.

Me: This is different. Magic people have all been evil so far, but- Wait, didn't he make Morgana sick in the first place?

Edwin offers to teach Merlin magic.

Me: Gaius would say you're a bad influence.

Strict Librarian visits Gaius, and gives him the records.

Me: He probably gave it to him straight away in the original script. Before they realised the episode wasn't long enough.

Uther wants Edwin to review Gaius' work.

Me: They're gonna sack Gaius. I knew it.

Gaius confronts Edwin. It turns out there's some-

Me: History!

-between them. Edwin's parents were sorcerers. Edwin's parents were killed by Uther. Edwin's parents were good friends of Gaius, who "turned a blind eye!"

Me: History!

Gaius is about to tell Uther that Edwin is a sorcerer, so Edwin says he'll do the same to Merlin.

Me: Stalemate.


Merlin walks in at a very tense moment. Unaware of the heated conversation that had occurred before he arrived, Merlin gives Edwin his provisions and leaves to do his errands. Gaius tells him to do what Edwin asks.

Me: Edwin's controlling Gaius! This was a very well thought out plan. Wait... How did he know he'd encounter a young sorcerer under Gaius' care? That's a bit lucky, isn't it? If Merlin hadn't been there, Gaius would've recognised Edwin and reported him to Uther - Edwin wouldn't have been able to threaten him.

Edwin tells Uther that Gaius' methods are outdated.

Me: They're going to sack Gaius!

Or as Uther says, "lighten his burdens".

Me: Maybe they can be co-physicians? Work together? No, stuff that idea - they hate each other.

But where is Gaius going, this late at night?

Me: Uh... The wine cellar? Oh, he's going to the dragon! I recognise this passageway now.

There's some more talk about destiny, but it turns out that John Hurt wants Uther to sacrifice Uther for Merlin. Gaius says that he won't choose between them, so John Hurt tells him to turn a blind eye. That is, after all, Gaius' talent.

Me: Would you like some ice for that burn?

The next morning, Uther summons Gaius.

Me: He's gonna sack him!

Gaius has been in Camelot with Uther since Arthur's birth, and "all that entailed".

Me: Oh!

In case you've forgotten, my Nimueh theory is that Uther and Nimueh were married, and Arthur is their child.

Me: So Nimueh gave birth to Arthur, but he was so ugly that she turned evil? Or maybe it was the blond hair. Except it couldn't have been, because babies aren't born with hair. Maybe he was just too chubby.

Uther is sacking Gaius, and appointing Edwin as his new court physician.

Me: He should've put an ad in the newspaper - I'm sure there are plenty of physicians in Camelot who would go for a job interview with Uther.

Gaius has a last chance to say something. A last chance to save his job.

Me: Tell him that Edwin's a sorcerer! If you expose Edwin as a sorcerer, then nobody will believe him if he says that Merlin's a sorcerer! Who would believe a lying sorcerer over Gaius?

Gaius could also be described as a lying sorcerer, but that's not the point.

Me: I guess there'd be no proof of Edwin being a sorcerer, so they'd just think that Gaius is making stuff up to get his job back.

There's no evidence of Edwin being a sorcerer, but...

Me: His parents! Gaius can prove that his parents were sorcerers! Uther likes all that family stuff!

But Gaius goes back to his room to pack, even though Uther said he could stay in the castle. Gaius is leaving Camelot forever.

Me: Noooooooooooooooo!

Merlin doesn't want Gaius to leave.

Me: So sad!

Gaius has been giving Uther medicine for his shoulder, but Edwin says he can provide a more effective medicine.

Me: He's going to poison you!

It is a remedy to cure all ills.

Me: THEN WHY CAN'T YOU CURE YOUR OWN FACE, EH? It's too good to be true, surely. Why doesn't Uther suspect him of sorcery?

Gwen knows that Edwin is evil, and she's not happy that Gaius isn't staying to look after them.

Me: I think Gwen likes him less than Uther does.

Uther takes the medicine Edwin prescribed for him.

Me: Aren't you getting a taster to test it first?

Apparently not.

Me: Idiot.

Gaius is sitting at a campfire all by himself.

Me: You know what he needs? He needs a marshmallow. That's what he needs. Actually, he needs to stop being a sook and get back to Camelot.

Uther is paralysed, and Edwin puts a bug on him!

Me: The Bug of Doom!

The bug will eat into Uther's brain. He will suffer as Edwin's parents suffered. And Edwin hopes that he will scream like his parents screamed.

Me: But he's paralysed. Can you scream when you're paralysed?

Edwin's about to leave when...

Me: Gaius returns! He got back very quickly. How far away from Camelot was his campsite?

Edwin puts a ring of fire around Gaius.

Me: That's some very specific magic. He can just jump over it anyway - the flames aren't that high.

Merlin arrives and puts an axe through Edwin.

Me: Woah, I didn't see that coming. Merlin's a murderer now.

The ring of fire goes away when Edwin dies.

Me: Convenient.

Merlin's going to use Edwin's bugs to cure Uther.

Me: But... How do these bugs work? Obviously they're multi-purpose - they can kill people and cure them. But can they do my homework?

Merlin has to use his magic to get the bug out of Uther's brain.

Me: So what happened to putting another bug in? I thought that was the plan.

But if they use magic on Uther, he'll kill them - even if it does save his life.

Me: But he won't see you using magic - he's got his eyes closed. Very conveniently, I must say.

Merlin does some magic and the bug comes out Uther's ear.

Me: But it's already eaten some of his brain, right? And how are you going to explain him coming back to life without admitting you used magic? And why was Gaius happy to cure Uther but not Morgana? Uther has to die anyway, doesn't he?

Uther apologises to Gaius for sacking him. In the fight against magic, Gaius is the only person he can trust.

Me: That's a laugh! He's a sorcerer himself, not to mention he's turning Merlin into one!

Gaius is given back the title of Court Physician and is made a free man!

Me: I thought being a slave was a privilege? Oh, I get it - he's a free slave. I'm not quite sure how that works, but the closing titles are coming, so I don't really care.

Sure enough, the closing titles begin. But first, the next time trailer.

Me: That looks... Sci-fi...

Is magic bad or not? Good or evil? I think the message of this episode is that people who are born into a social/cultural group shouldn't be judged by others as the same as every other person in that group. 
For example, just because a small percentage of Muslims are terrorists, does not mean that they all are. And by the same reasoning, we could say that just because some sorcerers are evil, does not mean that they all are.

We also learnt a lot about Gaius' past and the future of Camelot. It seems that Uther will have to die at some point - possibly at Gaius' hands...

But what should I score it? There were a few too many plot holes for my liking, even though they were all quite irrelevant. I think I'll give it 7/10.

Join me next time for 'The Gates of Avalon'

Lancelot

Guest(s): None.

We begin in a forest, where Merlin is picking-

Me: Mushrooms.

-that look-

Me: So fake!

Screech!

Me: Eagle!

And a winged monster with the head of a bird is revealed.

Me: I was right! Kind of.

Merlin falls back and the beast looks set to strike.

Me: Opening titles.

But the opening titles do not come in on cue, and a man with a sword jumps into view.

Me: Who's he? He's new, right?

The man tries to fight the beast, but it's no good.

Me: The sound of his sword hitting it didn't sound right. It was like he was hitting metal. And it wasn't in sync. 

Merlin and Lancelot run through the forest, chased by the beast. They jump over two logs then hide under them. Apparently, the beast finds logs off-putting, and flies off into the distance.

Me: Wait, what happened?

Merlin wants to know who the man is.

Me: Yeah, who is he?

Lancelot.

Me: Is he going to be in the opening titles? 

Nope.

Lancelot's injured, so Merlin takes him to Gaius.

Me: He was injured? I didn't see that.

Meanwhile, Arthur and Uther are looking at the remains of a village destroyed by the beast.

Me: Nasty.

Uther says that the beast only took the people.

Me: If it took all the people, who told you? Someone who escaped? Someone from another village? Someone with a very loud voice?

Lancelot wants to become a knight of Camelot, so Merlin says he'll see what he can do.

And Merlin tells Arthur about Lancelot. He's courageous and disciplined. He's completely trustworthy and he'd be a really good knight.

Me: You met him half an hour ago. You barely know him. They've rushed the start of a story again.

But only those of noble blood can serve as knights. Merlin tells Arthur that Lancelot is a nobleman, and he'll bring his seal of nobility tomorrow.

Me: Is Lancelot a nobleman? I thought he was, but he doesn't dress like it.

He isn't.

So Merlin uses his magic to copy a seal of nobility from a book on to a blank piece of paper.

Me: That's illegal copying! That book probably had a warning on the back that said 'No Photocopying'. 

Lancelot doesn't want to break the law, but Merlin convinces him that he's worthy of being a knight, no matter who his family is.

Me: You hardly know him!

So Lancelot goes to get his thigh measured by Gwen.

And we can already tell that every conversation between Lancelot and Gwen is going to be-

Me: Awkward.

Lancelot accidentally offends Gwen while she has a tape measure around his neck.

Me: Strangle him!

On the walk back, Lancelot asks if Merlin and Gwen are...

Me: Nope. Gwen's single, you're single...

But at the try-out or whatever it is, Arthur isn't impressed by Lancelot, so he sends him to clean the stables.

Gaius is sorry about Lancelot, but Merlin says he doesn't really care. That's life, apparently.

Me: What? But... You... Oh, Gaius doesn't know Lancelot tried out to be a knight, does he?

Lancelot comes back covered in poo, and Gaius realises what's happened. He's not happy about Merlin using magic to help make Lancelot a knight.

Me: Yeah, Merlin! They could expose him as a fraud! He could die because of you! It'll be like what happened to Gwen in 'The Mark of Nimueh'! Actually, it'll be exactly like that. You'd think Merlin would learn. Actually, you'd think the writers would come up with new ideas.

And then I accidentally shipped Gwen and Gaius.

Me: Listen to Gwaius!

Arthur finds Lancelot sweeping and gives him 'basic training'. But then they hear a noise coming from... Somewhere else? Arthur runs towards the action.

Me: Arthur can run? That's not very kingly. Or princely. Or knightly. Are they even words?

A village has been attacked by Eagle-face. 

Me: This is sounding a bit like The Hobbit.

Uther lists some of the villages attacked.

Me: This is sounding a lot like The Hobbit. 

Arthur is speaking to his knights.

Me: So all the people that have passed as knights are as good as Arthur? Why weren't they in the tournament? And if they were, why didn't they win? Surely one of them could beat Arthur.

And after some sword-fighting with Arthur, Lancelot is knighted! Everyone claps.

Me: Arthur always claps really slowly. It's very kingly.

And it seems that the librarian has found that the seal of nobility is fake...

Me: Why was it in a book anyway? A filled out, customised, full-size seal of nobility in a book? What was the book about?

And the next day, Lancelot is arrested...

Me: Inevitable.

And Lancelot is put in a cell suspiciously similar to the one Gwen was put in.

Me: This is exactly the same as 1.3!

Lancelot doesn't blame Merlin.

Me: You should! Even Morgana couldn't have been that manipulative! 

But Merlin blames himself.

Me: Can't the guard hear you? You could get into even more trouble than Lancelot.

Later, Gaius shows Merlin a picture of what the beast might look like. Merlin recognises it from that dodgy pre-titles scene. Gaius is surprised.

Me: WHAT? You saw a mythical beast with an eagle head and almost got killed by it, but you didn't tell Gaius? You couldn't have forgotten! It's not the sort of thing you see everyday!

And the beast is outside!

Me: In Camelot? Why didn't they have any warning? They should've seen it coming ages ago. This episode must be pushing the 45-minute limit - this ending feels rushed already.
I don't even know if this is the ending.

There's still more than 18 minutes left.

Me: Take away the cheesy ending and the movie-length closing titles, and that probably isn't long at all.

The people of Camelot scram as the beast (has it been given a name yet?) attempts to land in the square.

Me: These poor extras don't even know what the thing looks like. 

Arthur assembles his knights...

Me: That was quick.

And the fight begins.

Me: The CGI looks terrible. 

Lancelot is still stuck in his cell.

Me: Does he have to be a knight to fight? He could be Lancelot the Unofficial. And who cares if he has royal blood? Do they think he'll be on the beast's side? 'Cause that's stupid. The only person that wouldn't want it dead is the person controlling it, and that's obviously Nimueh. So even if he's not a permanent knight, why don't they let him out to fight the beast? Where are the guards? Are they knights?

Arthur tries to put a spear through the beast, but it snaps in half!

Me: Arthur's face! But now he has two sticks to throw at it! One in each eye! Throw them!

But Arthur is lying defenceless on the ground.

Me: Look at all those knights standing around while the beast kills Arthur! Well, it isn't killing him yet. But it should be killing him soon... It really should be killing him now. STOP TAKING YOUR TIME AND KILL HIM ALREADY!

And the beast has given some random guard just enough time to throw Arthur a stick. That's on fire.

Me: Make sure you catch the right end. What's he going to do with it, anyway?

Arthur shoves the stick towards the beast, and the fire scares it off.

Me: What? That's stupid. And how did the guard know to throw him something on fire? 

Uther says that the knights of Camelot are the best in the land, and that they proved that today.

Me: But they were saved by a guard who guessed that an unidentified beast that was seemingly immune to everything was scared of fire! And you still haven't told me if guards are knights or not!

According to Gaius, the beast is a Griffin. 

Me: I can live with that.

And the Griffin can only be killed by magic.

Me: So Merlin will be the hero of the story? Thanks for spoiling the ending. And I guess Lancelot will help too?

But Merlin can't use magic. Not in Camelot.

Me: Stupid rule! They should make it like being a knight. If only a select few were allowed to use magic, then they could kill Nimueh and her little friends without Uther having to worry about the size of his head!

You can read my commentary for 'Mark of Nimueh' here.

Merlin says this is madness.

Me: No... This is Spamelot!

Of course, if Gaius had said that, John Cleese would've sued.

Me: Colin Morgan's really good in this episode. That Merlin-lite episode was so frustrating.

Gaius says he would give his life for Merlin without a thought.

Me: No, that's Colin Morgan, not Daniel Radcliffe. And you're not Dumbledore! And the stupid writer isn't J. K. Rowling! Original content please!

Arthur gives Lancelot a 'Get Out of Jail Free' card.

Me: Uther won't be happy. If this is like 1.4, he'll put Arthur in a cell.

Arthur doesn't want Lancelot to fight with him.

Me: That's stupid! Didn't you just say that Camelot needs him?

He did.

Me: Then why are you letting him out if you don't want him for anything? 

Merlin and Gaius are reading.

Me: Shouldn't the librarian be suspicious of Merlin? Oh, forget it. This episode has so many plot holes, I can't be bothered pointing them out anymore.

Lancelot is going to kill the beast himself.

Me: Freelancelot!

He asks Gwen for some armour.

Me: Where's her dad? Shouldn't he be paranoid about young men visiting his daughter in the middle of the night? 

Gwen helps him, but tells Merlin what's happening. Merlin goes to fight with Lancelot.

Me: Lancelot's going to die. I'm sure of it.

The beast slaughters Arthur's knights.

Me: Didn't muck about this time. Wait... Is Arthur dead?

Merlin and Lancelot find Arthur (who certainly isn't looking his best) but are distracted by a random sound effect.

Me: Arthur can't be dead! Isn't it your destiny to protect him?

The beast appears, and Lancelot commands his horse forwards. Towards the beast. It looks great in slow motion. Even with the wobbly CGI.

Me: Lancelot's going to die and that eagle thing will only get indigestion! Do something Merlin!

And he does. Magic.

Me: Is that electricity coming out of Lancelot's spear? 

Whatever it is, it kills the beast.

Me: That was weird.

Arthur congratulates Lancelot.

Me: But he knew only magic could kill it. You can't seriously believe Lancelot killed it by himself, can you?

And Lancelot is brought back to Uther. Uther angrily tells him to wait outside.

Me: He just saved the whole kingdom and you're telling him to wait outside? At least he has his armour on right. Someone at the BBC Costumes Department has got a pay rise since the tournament in 1.2.

You can read my commentary for 'Valiant' here.

Lancelot knows he had nothing to do with killing the Griffin. It was Merlin.

Me: Merlin couldn't poke it with a stick, it was a team effort. 

Lancelot barges in to bid farewell. He doesn't want to be a knight anymore. 

Me: Arthur looks sad!

Arthur looks very sad.

Me: I bet he had feelings for Lancelot.

And that would sound like...

Me: Arthulot.

Gwen can't take her eyes off the departing knight either.

Me: Gwenalot? Or Lancevere?

And that's the end. But there's still the 'Next Time' trailer.

Me: That looks good. I can't wait! But first I have to score this one...

This story felt like it was somewhere between 45 and 90 minutes long - too long for one 45-minute episode, and too short for two 45-minute episodes. The 45-minute format has always bugged me, because in situations like this, three 25-minute episodes (a total of 75 minutes) would've fit the story perfectly. 

We interrupt this analysis for a basic maths lesson.

25 x 3 = 75

45 x 1 = 45
45 x 2 = 90

Point made.

I'm really disappointed with the writer - borrowing plot elements from another episode is not cool. What I would love to congratulate the writer for is the ending. It was terrible, but at least it was original!

In summary, I'd say it was unoriginal, rushed and poorly written. If this had been earlier in the series, I probably would've given it 6/10 or 7/10. But I'm getting a bit bored of the same stories over and over again. 5/10.

Join me next time for 'A Remedy To Cure All Ills'